Holidays are here

A list of things that have made me happy lately:

Baking ginger bread
cute guy with gorgeous blue eyes
A hug from behind I got yesterday
The sound of snow under my boots
Brian Molko's voice in Battle For The Sun
Pretty pictures of light, and cute things
my ear muffs

That's all.


Ahead of time

My room, as well as my life currently, is a mess. I didn't mean it to end that way but you know how sometimes you just feel a bit too lazy to pick everything up after you've put it down and then slowly chaos crawls into the nest and the next thing you notice is BOOM. It's a big mess.
And you can clean it up with time and effort but it takes so much effort and too much time and UGH, the worst part is ahead of you:
actually starting to clean things up.

I have anxiety and frustration that revolves around the fact that I really have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I've been trying to live one day at a time, and sure, you know, that's awesome - until you reach the day when everything seems wrong and useless and worthless and just plain awful, and you have no idea where you are headed in life, except the supposed direction is all covered up in mist and seems to lead down instead of up. And there you are, trying to tell yourself that it's okay, it's okay - tomorrow will be better.
Well, excuse me miss happy pants, but you've been living your life so in-the-moment that you haven't really paid any attention to your future. And now it's biting you in the ass.

Well, maybe not that dramatically.

But I have a natural tendency to worry about things before they happen so I'm prepared in case something goes wrong. And if something goes wrong, I'm fully capable of saying I jinxed it for myself. Then I naturally have the right to willow in self pity and fear of the world. Yay.

I promise I'm not this dramatic and whiny all the time. I've been fairly happy for a few weeks and now this hit me.

I just don't know what to do with my life. Or what to study after I get out of this school.
Or what to eat tomorrow.

I like this song, you should totally listen to it.


So many things in this world

If there's one thing I hate in this world it's cigarettes. I hate how people dump their cigarettes on the ground and act like it's okay, I hate it when people try to justify their smoking with obscure reasons, I hate the smell.
This doesn't mean I dislike a person who smokes. Most of my friends smoke. I think I've heard every single justification they've tried to offer me as why do they smoke and - sorry - I don't buy a single one of them.

I swear to God that if it were up to me, I'd take down the whole cigarette industry and tear every last cancer stick to pieces.

Okay, but to different matters now.

You know those days when you look at the mirror and go "no"? Those days when you feel kind of icky, hair doesn't do what you want it to do, make up looks wrong and every single piece of clothing you own just makes you want to cry?
I call those Mondays Actually I don't but this was one of those days... And then I decided I just won't have it.
I'm not going to spend my day sulking and being upset.

And it worked! I'm amazed.

So now I'm sitting in front of my computer, fresh out of a shower I took to wash the murkiness away.  My hair smells nice, I'm wearing the most comfortable clothes I could get my hands on (this combo is hideous. Trust me.) and my apartment is starting to smell like pumpkin spice because of this wonderful little candle I'm burning.

I was supposed to go out and do some serious Christmas shopping today but decided against it, mostly because the tundrapocalypse is still having a party of its own. I don't mind it mostly.

I slept a good eight hours last night and I've been sleeping fairly well lately anyway, but gosh darn it, I'm freaking tired. I can't help it. I'm fighting the urge to take a nap right now, too. (Mainly because my hair is still wet and I don't want it to dry in a weird way)

Now I think I'm going to play mahjong until my hair is dry and then maybe eat something.